One of the more seductive traps I’ve fallen into during my Transition ensnared my thoughts firmly in a frightening future while I pushed away Change with all my force.
Waiting in limbo for a serious medical diagnosis, I fell into a black hole of fear that seemed to have no floor.
I have to give kudos to the infinite creativity of my mind, which was hard at work coming up with worst case scenarios for my future health (I’m well-practiced after all: some families play Monopoly, mine likes to catastrophise for fun). When my diagnostic imagination hit a wall, internet searches helped expand the scope of possibilities for my demise. And then I tried google image search…
After a few hours of frantic research and rumination, I started to see a future for myself devoid of pleasure, suffering alone in pain, dying prematurely. I felt unsafe, pessimistic, depressed.
And yet – absolutely nothing externally had changed: I had no new information or warnings about my health. What was going on?!
I had prematurely started a grieving process.
Anxiety and fear can be a form of grief
We commonly associate grief with death; but we can actually feel grief for many things: the loss of a job, relationship, health, status, ability, even a dream...
And like the anecdote I shared above, we can even feel grief for something that hasn't happened yet - and may never happen.
Our tendency to ruminate over potential future losses is called anticipatory grief.
Anticipatory grief is a self-protective mechanism. It helps us retain the illusion of control when we're feeling destabilised. It allows us to plan in advance for all sorts of complex and challenging scenarios.
But it's a trap.
It's not really helpful. We waste days or even years worrying and bemoaning the problematic future that awaits us: a future that never materialises.
It's also counter-productive. A focus on worst case scenarios leads us to feel angry, frightened and overwhelmed. We become hyper-vigilant. We might even start to withdraw socially. This negative spiral makes the likelihood of an unwanted outcome more likely (and the kicker is that it might not even be one of the misfortunes that we’ve planned for!)
The more we fall into the sinkhole of anticipatory grief, the more we fear the future, and the less likely it is that we'll commit to making the life changes necessary to complete our Transition. We get stuck.
Enter our Loss Aversion Bias
Our brilliant minds are subject to cognitive biases that help us to make sense of the world, but which mislead us too.
Once we fall into an anticipatory grief process, our Loss Aversion bias kicks in.
Loss aversion leads us to profoundly feel and fear loss: to such an extent that we perceive a real or potential loss to be worse than an equivalent gain. For example, we think the pain of losing $100 will be worse than the delight at gaining $100. In other words, we overestimate the downsides and underestimate the upsides.
This cognitive bias exists to protect us from harm, but in the context of Transitions, it also discourages us from committing to making a Change. No matter how irrational our imagined losses might be, we're still afraid they'll inevitably happen and It Will Be The Worst.
Meanwhile, we dismiss the potential upsides of making the Change, however likely or beneficial a positive outcome would be.
Anticipatory Grief and Loss Aversion lead to situations like these:
We hate our job, but resist quitting because we fear losing our careers and financial stability. Although in reality, we'll likely end up finding a more fulfilling role.
We're unhappy in our relationship, but delay leaving because we fear losing companionship, security, and love. Although chances are good that we'll likely meet a partner with whom we're happier.
We're diagnosed with an illness or injury, but put off following the doctor's advice because we fear losing our freedom and happiness by modifying our lifestyle. Although the truth is we'll likely end up physically and emotionally healthier by choosing to heal.
It's our human nature to avoid the pain of change, despite the benefits. Unfortunately, that inclination doesn't help us when we're in a Transition, and change is a compulsory part of the process.
Getting out of the trap
In the midst of making a Big Life Change, try to avoid the traps of Anticipatory Grief and Loss Aversion.
The first and most important step is awareness. Are you going down a rabbit hole of worst case scenario planning? Are you finding yourself disproportionately focused on what you might lose by making the change?
If so, write down your fears and anxieties. All of them, include the most fantastical concoctions. You can pride yourself on your creativity. Note which of them are real, verified and actual: versus those that are hypothetical or unproven, no matter how seemingly probable. It might help for someone less biased to look over your assessment.
Second, change your focus. We have a choice to adopt a different perspective. What are the potential upsides of making the change? With the same imaginative skill as you applied to catastrophising, what would a 'best case scenario' look like? How would you feel if that happened? Redirecting our focus toward positive possibilities is empowering.
If you're stuck in a negative thought-loop, try and distract yourself. Force your mind to focus on something else. Read a book. Watch a comedy. Play a game. Work out.
Third, let go of control: detach from all these potential outcomes. As much as we'd like to believe we can predict the future, life is full of surprises. Even the psychics get it wrong. We're incapable of envisioning all the possible ways our lives could be headed, though most of us could get an A+ for effort.
Fourth, try to remain present. Keep your focus on what's happening right here and now, as tempting as it is to jump straight into future forecasting.
Our cognitive genius
Taking a step back, one has to admire human brilliance. We have an extraordinary resourcefulness in preventing ourselves from completing major life transitions. Our traps are so cleverly set that we fall into them, repeatedly. We are amazing!
So be gentle with yourself if you get caught up in Anticipatory Grief, or get put off by Loss Aversion.
As Admiral Ackbar warned us, “It’s a trap!” – and now you know these traps are there, try not to fall into them.
“…if it was of these ornaments that the other was enamoured, he finds that he is pressing to his heart nothing but an empty dress - nothing but a memory - nothing but grief and despair. Ah! with what virtues, with what perfections I had adorned her!” - Andre Gide, The Counterfeiters
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