Blog: Being in-between

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Why Big Life Changes Make Us So Tired (And How to Recharge)

I recently moved to Barcelona— the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

I imagined my first few days here would be filled with sightseeing and taking advantage of the city: going to the beach, admiring the architecture, walking through neighbourhoods, meeting friends.

Instead, I spent most of my time sleeping, resting and journaling. Why was I so exhausted?

Transitions are Tiring

The process of change is tremendously energy-consuming. This is true in nature too, for physical changes in state between solids, liquids and gases. Energy is required to overcome intermolecular forces, to allow the molecules to move more freely, and make way for reformation.

Life transitions challenge us in ways that are different to the usual demands of normal life. Whether it’s relocating, changing careers, or beginning a new relationship, all major shifts involve leaving the familiar behind and stepping into something new. That can drain our batteries.

Some of the reasons include:

1. More balls in the air: Transitioning often means taking on and juggling a number of additional responsibilities. For example, changing careers might involve working at a current role while also upskilling, networking, getting coaching and even job hunting. It’s distracting and exhausting to multitask like this.

2. Uncertainty overload: When the future involves a lot of ‘what if’s and question marks, our minds are working overtime. It’s like having an overactive cognitive processor. Our RAM is used up in scenario-planning and being reactive to new information, so there’s less energy available for normal day-to-day activities.

3. Identity shift: When we’re in transition, we lose an aspect of our old identity, which can shake our sense of self. It’s normal to go through a grief process as we navigate our past versus emergent selves, which is emotionally exhausting.

4. Fear of failure: The fear of not succeeding can create constant stress, and the negative ‘what if’s can spiral, consuming energy and impacting performance. (See: Worried a transition could make your life worse?)

Warning Signs of Depletion

You might try to continue life at a normal pace during your transition, without realising your energy is tanking. Here are a few red flags to watch out for so you can avoid a crash:

Exhaustion: You wake up tired, no matter how much you sleep.
No motivation: The things you used to enjoy feel like chores. Maybe you don’t want to leave the house, see close friends, or do your favourite activity.
Irritability: You’re easily stressed, frustrated or overwhelmed.
Unwell: Your body starts sending out distress signals— muscle tension, illnesses, headaches, upset stomach.
Procrastination: You can’t seem to start tasks, or keep delaying important projects.

Note the overlap with signs of depression.

10 Ways to Recharge

Maintaining energy during these pivotal moments is not just important— it’s essential to ensure that we emerge healthily on the other side, ready to embrace our new lives.

Here are a few ways to stay energised when you’re navigating the uncertainty of a transition:

1. Self-care. Listen to your body. Now is the time to walk in the forest, go to the spa, take a bubble bath, or however you prefer to treat yourself.

2. Make sleep a priority, including naps if needed. Allow your body the rest it wants.

3. Eat nutritiously. While stress states can tempt us to reach for sugar or empty carbs, focus on giving your body premium fuel: foods that nourish and support it to run well.

4. Move. During transitions, it can require extra effort to exercise, but this is so important. Whether it’s going to the gym, taking a brisk walk, doing some yoga poses, or even dancing alone in the living room, keep your body moving.

5. Practice mindfulness. There’s so much going on during transitions, from decisions that need to be made to fluctuating emotions, that it can be hard to remain present in the moment. A few minutes each day of meditation, deep breathing, journaling or simply focusing on the present moment can do wonders to help you recharge.

6. Set smaller, achievable goals. Transitions can feel very slow to the person going through them, even if they look fast to outsiders. Being able to tick off completed tasks helps you see that you’re moving, building motivation and momentum, and giving you a sense of progress.

7. Protect your time. Set hard boundaries around your sleep, work and personal life. Say no when you need to. Eliminate distractions, and do less if necessary. It can be tempting to occupy yourself with activities during a transition as a distraction mechanism, but this may exhaust you more.

8. Lean on friends and family. Share what you’re going through with people who love and want to support you. They’ll offer fresh perspectives and a pep talk when you need it. Prioritise spending time with people who catalyse your transition, and take a pause from those who are less supportive.

9. Digital detox. It can be tempting to binge Netflix, scroll mindlessly or otherwise distract ourselves when our energy is low. Try to take a break from the screens. Go for a walk in nature and leave your phone at home.

10. Positive affirmations. When feeling anxious about the future, remind yourself: you’ve been through transitions before, and you will make it through this one too! It might be challenging, and take longer than you’d like, but it will conclude. (And if you would like some extra support, join my upcoming transitions class!)

The Bottom Line

Major life transitions, whether chosen or imposed, mark significant shifts in our professional and personal lives. The process of leaving the familiar behind and stepping into something new, can take an energetic toll. It can be tempting to try to continue life at pace, while engaging in the transition; but that may be detrimental to your health. By keeping an eye on your energy levels and taking proactive steps to maintain them, you’ll be in a better position to not only make it through the transition, but also to enjoy it. Remember, it’s not a sprint— it’s a marathon. Pace yourself, stay energised, and you’ll come out the other side ready to tackle whatever comes next.

Reflections

Check in with your body. How are your energy levels?
What steps can you take to recharge when you’re feeling drained?
How can you incorporate more proactive self-care into your daily routine?

***LAST WEEK TO SIGN UP TO TRANSITIONS COURSE AT A DISCOUNT***

Want to join a supportive group of other people going through career transitions, while receiving structure, tools and guidance to reflect on the process, navigate the uncertainty, and find clarity on your next steps?

My first Career Transitions Course starts on September 9th and is open for enrollment for one more week, until August 31st! During the course, we’ll cover topics including shaping our new identity and passions, navigating setbacks, identifying distractions, our relationship with money/conditioning, and experimenting with new pathways.

To learn more and save 60% off the future price, set up a call with me now.

The Freedom Trap in Transitions: Exploring Freedom and Constraint

One of the main reasons we go through major life transitions is to pursue freedom. We imagine life after we overcome our obstacles: free of limitations, we’ll be happier, healthier, able to achieve our wildest dreams!

Yet, when we start to gain more freedoms – we can feel overwhelmed. We may opt for the familiarity of constraints over the uncertainty of unbounded liberty: like a caged animal that, upon being freed, chooses to return to captivity. This tendency challenges our ability to navigate major life transitions successfully.

I’m calling it: the Freedom Trap.

Understanding Freedom

As Peter Wessel Zapffe wrote in "The Last Messiah," our desire for freedom is both an escape from something, and a striving toward something else.

“The human yearning is not merely marked by a ‘striving toward’, but equally by an ‘escape from.’ And if we use the word in a religious sense, only the latter description fits. For here, none has yet been clear about what he is longing for, but one has always a heartfelt awareness of what one is longing away from, namely the earthly vale of tears, one’s own inendurable condition.”

Freedom from is ‘negative freedom’: the absence of external interference, obstacles and restrictions between you and what you desire. It increases access to opportunities by eliminating limiting handicaps. For example: freedom from poverty, harassment, or discrimination.

Freedom to is ‘positive freedom’: the agency to act, control and direct your own life. It involves making choices among increasingly available opportunities. For example: creative expression, financial independence, travel and exploration.

While negative freedom opens doors of possibility, positive freedom is about the ability and agency to walk through the open doors.

The Lure of Negative Freedom

There is sometimes a tendency to focus only on obtaining freedom from restrictions, including those imposed by others and ourselves. This is problematic. It can lead to a variety of disempowering behaviours, such as:

Victim Mentality: If we see external constraints as insurmountable barriers, we can fall into a victim mentality: blaming those barriers for our current predicament. It’s not our fault that we can’t make our dreams a reality – it’s someone else’s doing. The victim narrative relies on “freedom from” - the removal of external barriers – for improving life circumstances. In adopting the mindset that there’s nothing we can do to change our situation, we avoid taking personal accountability and shift responsibility to external forces. This is a tricky trap, because it feels empowering, though in reality it keeps us weak and trapped in helplessness.

Avoidance of Challenges: Focusing too much on negative freedom can lead to the avoidance of situations that test our abilities and competencies. If we desire something that seems unattainable, instead of working on overcoming the obstacles in our way, we might give up and decide we didn’t want it that badly anyway. In our trapped state, our boundaries are known and familiar. That reduces the risks and challenges we face – but also limits our ability to grow, develop and get what we want. As a result of taking the easy route, we can end up being unhappy, restless and dissatisfied with our lives.
Freedom Paralysis: As we shed the restrictions that limit our freedoms, the sudden lack of imposed boundaries can cause us to feel paralysed and disoriented, rather than liberated and joyful. I’ve heard many stories of people who’d been released from prison, only to purposefully reoffend in order to be returned. After years of living in a tightly controlled regiment, they were overwhelmed with the multitude of choices and freedoms available to them.

It's not just those leaving prison who struggle with newfound freedom: Recently-retired people often find the abundance of free time daunting, leading some to return to work. High earners like celebrities and lottery winners frequently mismanage their financial freedom, sometimes ending up bankrupt. Others exhibit extreme or harmful behaviours.

Embracing Positive Freedom

At the same time as we consider what we’d like to move away from, it’s important to be mindful of what we’re aiming towards.

Positive freedom represents agency: the ability to take action, make choices and pursue goals. This requires taking responsibility. Instead of escaping constraints, we actively pursue opportunities for growth. Instead of seeing challenges as threats to our self-worth, we welcome them as stepping stones to self-improvement. Instead of retreating to safety and avoiding uncertainty, we embrace bumps and setbacks as part of growth.

Focusing on our positive freedoms helps us become more resilient in the face of major life changes. Unlike negative freedom, which can be taken away by external forces, positive freedom is an internal power source that can sustain us through challenging circumstances.

Constraining Freedom

I met several people during my travels who were young, healthy and financially free. They each told me the same thing: with their newfound freedom, they felt chaotic, overwhelmed and emotionally turbulent. Some spent years struggling with their mental and physical health.

What saved them was implementing a strict routine. In other words, upon receiving more freedom, they willingly and deliberately bounded it.

Without rules or structure, we have an immature form of freedom, which feels liberating and spontaneous, but can also be deadly. Think of the story of Icarus, who ignored instructions not to fly too close to the sun, causing his ultimate death.

A healthy, mature freedom is one that includes discipline and self-control. It is – perhaps ironically – a constrained freedom. But discipline and self-imposed restrictions don’t necessarily affect negative freedom, and can enhance positive freedom.

The difference is having the ability and will to intentionally and consciously apply constraints to our own lives. Ideally, these constraints are ones we choose, allowing us to balance freedom and structure in a way that promotes growth, fulfillment, and well-being.

Final Thoughts

While the pursuit of freedom drives many major life transitions, it is crucial to understand the distinction between negative and positive freedom. Focusing solely on negative freedom can lead to feelings of helplessness, avoidance of challenges, and overwhelm. Embracing positive freedom, coupled with self-imposed constraints and routines, helps us navigate life transitions more effectively. By balancing freedom with structure, we can achieve personal growth, fulfillment, and resilience in the face of life's challenges.

Reflection Exercises

As you embark on your transition, try to be conscious of:

What are you seeking freedom from?
What are you seeking freedom towards?
In what ways might you be unintentionally sabotaging or preventing yourself from attaining those freedoms?
What are the disciplines, habits, rituals and routines you can implement in your life to help you feel balanced as you gain more freedom?

It might be helpful to write down your reflections. You can then revisit them as you progress on your transition journey.

**The Career Transitions Course is now open for enrollment – and you’ll save 60% off the future price! To get the discount code and talk about the course, set up a call with me – I’d love to hear about your transition.

During the course, we'll cover topics including shaping our new identity and passions, navigating setbacks, identifying distractions, our relationship with money/conditioning, and experimenting with new pathways. You'll leave with more clarity and confidence with your career transition. And you’ll be joined by other thoughtful, supportive and kind people navigating the same journey of figuring out what's next.

More info including the syllabus is here.

Subscribe now

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Five Surprising Facts about Transitions

How much do you know? Test your Transition Knowledge with this 4-question quiz.

Shocked cartoon face — Photo by Shubham Dhage on Unsplash

According to some studies, we spend nearly half of our adult lives in a transition. Yet despite being intimately involved, we tend to know very little about them.

Bruce Feiler tried to change that when his life was turned upside down. Catalysed by a personal and family crisis, Feiler started the Life Story Project, which collected and analysed the life stories of hundreds of Americans from diverse backgrounds and circumstances. Feiler published the findings in the book, "Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age.”

The data revealed fascinating and unexpected patterns in how people navigate life transitions.

Here are some that I didn’t expect:

1. We go through transitions frequently

According to Feiler’s research, people experience a disruptive life event every 12 to 18 months. One in 10 of these are major changes he calls “lifequakes” —a forceful burst of change that leads to a transition.

Most of these lifequakes (67%) are caused by events outside of our control, such as the death of a loved one, job loss, or illness. Some are collectively experienced, like the COVID-19 pandemic or a natural disaster.

The rest (33%) are voluntary changes we choose, such as switching careers, relocating or ending a relationship.

2. Transitions may take years to complete

While some of us hope to complete our transition in a three-month sabbatical (or maybe that’s just me), Feiler found that lifequakes last 2 to 5 years on average.

Following the initial disruptive event, there is a lengthy period of adaptation and integration, which is when we can experience significant personal growth and change. The duration and intensity of lifequakes varies widely depending on individual circumstances, resources, and resilience.

3. Transitions are becoming more prevalent

People are living longer, changing jobs more often, and facing rapid technological advancements that continually reshape our careers. Social norms are shifting, making personal life changes like divorce or relocation more frequent. Economic instability and the gig economy are creating less predictable job markets, and globalisation means we're more mobile to travel for work, education or personal reasons. On top of that, a greater focus on personal fulfillment, self-development and mental health encourages us to make significant life changes to improve our well-being. All these factors make navigating transitions a more regular part of contemporary life.

4. Positive and negative causes of transitions are equally common

We often speak about negative prompts for transitions like job loss, divorce, or illness. But Feiler found that nearly half (47%) of lifequakes are driven by positive events such as marriage, having children, or career advancements.

This means that positive transitions can also be moments for tremendous personal growth – we don’t need to wait to have a negative lifequake to kickstart the process!

5. Transitions typically follow a 3-phase pattern

Like with stories, there are three main phases to transitions: the beginning, middle and end. However with transitions, the order is reversed and the ending comes first.

I. Stage One: Endings: This phase involves letting go, acknowledging and mourning the end of the old self or way of life. We might feel grief, loss or disorientation – even when it is a positive transition, or one that we’ve chosen.

II. Stage Two: Messy Middle: The middle section of a transition is marked by chaos, experimentation, and a sense of being "in-between" old and new identities. It is often the longest and most challenging phase, lasting from several months to years. During this stage, we might feel confused, uncertain, anxious, depressed and lost. But this is also the part of the transition process where significant personal growth occurs.

III. New Beginnings: In this phase, we start to emerge from the transition with a renewed sense of purpose, clarity, and direction. We form a new life narrative into which we integrate our experiences. We transform from a caterpillar into a butterfly!

But perhaps the biggest surprise is that…

Despite transitions being both universal and frequent, there isn’t enough formal support available to help with navigating them, to make the experience easier and less distressing.

While going through my own “lifequakes”, I poured through relevant books, podcasts and essays; consulted career and life coaches; and sought advice from mentors, friends and people who’d been through similar experiences. But I still struggled with the transition process, particularly with the ending and messy middle. I wish I’d had a guidebook and compass to illuminate the path ahead of me; and a group of people to talk to who were going through the same thing.

For these reasons, I’m so excited to share that I’m launching a course on Being In-Between – how to navigate career and life transitions with clarity, confidence and ease! It’s the resource I wish I’d had during my own transitions.

Why a class?

I believe that with guidance, we can minimise the feelings of uncertainty, stuckness and unhappiness. And we can maximise the opportunity for personal growth through the provision of an intentional space for reflection and targeted introspective questioning. Accountability helps too: by joining a community of other people who are also going through similar types of transitions, we can be inspired by other people’s experiences and feel less alone.

I’ve been working on the content of this course for four years, and it’s still a work in progress, but you can preview the topics we’ll cover here.

Design the course with me

If you’re currently experiencing (or have recently completed) a major life transition or “lifequake”, I’d love to hear about it! If you're open to a 20-30 minute chat on Zoom, please message me or schedule a time here.

What’s in it for you?

• Gratitude: It will help me out!

• Early access: Get a first look at content designed to support you through transitions.

• Influence the course: Your feedback will help shape a course supporting other people.

• Discounted pilot: A big discount on the course pilot.

The course launches in September 2024. If you're interested in joining or know someone who might benefit, please reach out! More info: https://www.being-in-between.com/

PS You might enjoy this podcast called A Slight Change of Plans, where Maya Shankar explores extraordinary stories of major life transitions including that of Christine Ha, who went permanently blind in her early twenties and went on to win the reality TV show Master Chef; Euna Lee, the Korean-American journalist who was held captive in North Korea for 140 days; and many more. Listen here.