How to make decisions when you have too many options: freedom and the paradox of too much choice

Imagine what you would do with complete freedom. It may sound like a dream come true with never-ending possibilities.

The quest for greater freedom unites us as humans, and is often what motivates us to embark on major life transitions. We hope it will be the answer to life’s challenges.

However, newfound freedom can be overwhelming. We gain an abundance of possible options for our next steps. How do we choose?

We might end up paralysed by the pressure, procrastinating making a decision; surrendering control and choosing a direction randomly; or even restricting ourselves, returning to the familiar but less desirable situation we left behind. The known limitations of confinement can feel safer than the uncertain possibilities of freedom.

An extreme depiction is when people are released from prison and deliberately return. A more common example is when we choose to believe narratives that limit our perception of the world, and therefore restrict our available options: a type of mental captivity.

Unbounded freedom comes with its own set of struggles.

The Paradox of Choice Overload

When people are given too many choices and told to pick one, we feel overloaded: like my aging laptop, our brains’ cognitive processors can only handle so much. That’s especially true for those of us, like me, who are maximisers (people who want to see all the possibilities and compare them before deciding on the ‘best’) versus those who are satisficers (people who are content with an option that’s ‘good enough’). It turns out not everyone is a fan of decision trees (and if you don’t know what that is, you’re in for some exciting reading e.g. here).

To overcome choice overload during major life transitions, here are four steps you can take:

1. Ask a different question

We can agonise unnecessarily trying to solve the wrong problem. A simple reframe of the question we’re asking ourselves about our decision might change our outlook on our options.

For example, instead of asking: What am I going to do with the rest of my life? or How do I make the most of my newfound freedom? – try: What’s an activity that gives me joy? What’s most likely to be fulfilling for me? What’s most pressing? What would my child self have encouraged me to do?

The irony of choice overload is that the majority of the options available to us are unknown: we don’t know they exist. Nobody knows they exist. They’re intangible, beyond our awareness and our control. Still, we often hold onto the illusion that we know more and can control more than we actually can.

2. Try before you buy

In moments of uncertainty, there are things we know (or think we know); and things we don’t know (or think we don’t know). In order to have better insight into our available options, it’s helpful to convert the unknowns into knowns. The best way to do this is through a series of small tests or experiments: like window shopping for our preferences. When we reframe our intention as ‘browsing’, it relieves us from the pressure of committing to one option, and therefore we are less likely to feel the effect of cognitive overload.

For example, when making a career transition, we may not know what it is that we want to do next, or what we like or dislike doing. Rather than expect to have all the answers at once, we can explore our new likes and dislikes in a playful, curious way. Internships, volunteer work, or online courses are all effective “try before you buy” approaches for a professional transition.

When you find something you enjoy, do more of it if possible. When you find something that you don’t enjoy, do less of it (to the extent that you can). Say no to activities or engagements that aren’t best for you, or aren’t best right now. Remember – there is a ‘later’!

3. Let go of the desire to have a coherent story

When feeling overwhelmed by an over-abundance of choice, it can help to practice detachment from the unrealistic perception of control over the future. Embrace the unknown. More practically, try to let go of the desire for a logical explanation for how your choices fit into a grand plan for your life trajectory.

While uncertainty can be terrifying, positive surprises emerge from the unknown. For example, I’m now an urban kizomba DJ – this was not part of any goal-setting list! I’m tempted to invent a coherent narrative for how this fits into my ‘life purpose’; but it’s so much easier to simply enjoy the adventure that I’m on, without needing to explain it.

To detach from control, it may be helpful to ask: What narratives are you applying to your life? These might be action-oriented (the purpose of my life is to make an impact, or be fulfilled, or have money); psychological (in life, I am successful, or unlucky, or a victim); etc.

Ask yourself if there is a good reason for putting meaning on these particular narratives. How powerful are these in your life? Are they serving you? For a different perspective, listen to the song Spem in Alium by the composer Thomas Tallis: there is no driving narrative melody. What thoughts or feelings arise as you hear it?

4. Feel the way forwards

Choice overload can get us caught up in our thoughts, distanced from our emotions. We might not know what we truly want to do. It can be helpful to try embodied activities that bring us back in connection with our bodies, such as yoga, dance, or martial arts. Meditation, free-writing and daydreaming are all helpful techniques for us to access our intuition and observe our emotions and thought patterns more distinctly.

Embracing the Freedom to Choose

We yearn for freedom throughout our lives. But the more options we have available to us, the more overwhelming it can become to make definitive choices.

It’s normal not to have the answers right away – and actually this uncertainty is an important and essential part of being open to life’s adventures. As the poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote,

“Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

Be grateful to have the luxury of choice. Explore the possibilities available to you with curiosity and openness.

Navigating freedom is an art and a science: I hope these tips will help you discover new paths, uncover hidden passions, and find greater fulfillment and ease.

If you enjoyed this blog, please subscribe and share it!

When Giving is Really Taking

Do your gifts come with a catch?

You know the saying, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch”? Well, it’s true!

Giving isn’t always as selfless as we think. In fact, it can be a subtle way of exerting influence over others.

The act of giving, whether consciously or unconsciously, often involves an element of control. It can establish a power dynamic where the giver expects something in return, be it gratitude in the form of a ‘thank you’, recognition, affection, attention, compliance… or maybe even one of those delicious homemade cookies they’re always bragging about (hint hint).

In that situation, there’s an unwritten code that says, “You received a gift, and now you owe me something.” That can lead to a never-ending cycle of giving and taking.

Personal Gifts

When we give someone a gift, we’re actually entering into an unspoken social contract.

For example, if someone buys us a drink at a bar, there may be a felt obligation to engage in conversation and spend time with them. When someone helps us with a task, we often feel compelled to reciprocate. Even receiving a family heirloom from an ancestor we’ve never met carries an unwritten expectation to make space for the item in our home and to honour its sentimental value (even if we feel indifferent).

And if recipients don’t hold up their end of the deal by returning the favour or expressing gratitude? Well, we might think twice before giving them something again. Consider the scenarios where we give without receiving anything in return: sending birthday greetings to a friend who never reciprocates, running errands for someone who fails to acknowledge the gesture, offering compliments that go unreturned — all of these situations can leave us feeling a sense of unmet expectation and disappointment.

Gifts with Strings Attached

Coercive giving occurs when we attach conditions or expectations to our gifts that limit the recipient’s autonomy: their freedom or ability to choose. In these cases we disregard the actual needs or desires of the gift-receiver, but still expect gratitude.

For example: To a person begging on the streets: “You asked for money? Here, have this sandwich instead.” To a child: “I’ll pay for your schooling if you study science, not music.” To a family: “I’ll fund your healthcare as long as you modify your religious beliefs.”

In these instances we can see how the giving manipulates the recipient’s choices and creates a codependency, which is contrary to the spirit of genuine giving.

Et Tu, Philanthropists

Donations are generally made with the best of intentions (and positive outcomes), but it’s important to recognise any agendas behind them. Many donors and philanthropic foundations want to influence policy, get their names mentioned publicly, or simply receive tax breaks.

Even when gifts are given anonymously, there might still be underlying expectations, such as advancing a specific cause or feeling a sense of self-congratulatory worthiness: “How wonderful a person am I, to give a gift like this without even letting someone know that I’m responsible!”

Is there any way to “win” here!?

The Exception: Accidental Giving

The philosopher Derrida proposed that accidental giving is the only form that does not demand anything in return. This occurs when the giver remains unaware of their act of giving, and the receiver does not know who the giver is. Like when someone unknowingly drops money, and another person finds it, there is no sense of obligation or expectation involved (hopefully we can all relate to the unburdened delight of finding money on the ground!). Derrida’s proposition highlights the inherent complexities within the act of giving.

Conscious Gift-Giving

Before you despair, you can navigate this tricky gift-giving terrain by acting with intentionality.

Be aware of your underlying motivations. Acknowledge that giving is a form of taking.

What do you hope to gain from giving? Maybe it’s a feeling of contribution, being needed, or validation. Perhaps you’d like a future favour or a chance to spend more time with a friend. Or maybe you’re trying to control their choices and decisions, even if it’s in service of (what you see as) their own best interests.

Once you know your own expectations and desires, try to detach from them. Doing so will reduce the risk of subconscious power plays or coercive behaviours, and help you better appreciate the inherent pleasure that comes from giving.

Conscious Gift-Receiving

When someone offers you a gift, be aware that by receiving it, you’re entering into a social contract with them. You might want to have an old-fashioned chat to clarify their expectations and avoid misunderstandings before you accept. If you have more information about the giver’s motivations, it’s easier to choose how you’d like to respond. It’s important to find a balance between respecting the giver’s sentiments and taking care of your own needs.

Unwrapping Expectations

My intention in writing this blog is not to stop you from giving or receiving gifts — to the contrary, gifts are a beautiful expression of kindness and generosity. So keep on giving, including to yours truly (wink, wink).

But do it with your eyes wide open, with intentionality and awareness. Be aware of the hidden expectations and power dynamics that might be at play. Giving should be a joyous act, but it’s important to detach from expectations of specific outcomes. Let’s all strive for a world where gifts don’t come with hidden strings but are expressions of genuine care and love.

Additional Reflection

Internal Gifts — What are the subconscious contracts we have with ourselves?

We can apply the dynamics of giving and receiving in our interactions with ourselves too.

What are the unspoken expectations we have when we make a gift to ourselves?

For example: perhaps we expect to have a career or life epiphany at the end of gifting ourselves a three month sabbatical from work; we anticipate feeling happiness after treating ourselves to a fancy vacation; we believe we’ll see a certain tangible result after a fixed period of prioritising sleep, exercise and nutrition. If we don’t receive the outcome we’d hoped for, we can feel disappointed and self-judgmental. That can take away from the joy of our generous self-gift.

The tricky part is that our self-expectations are often hidden or unrealistic. So like when we give to others, it’s critical to gain awareness of our internal self-gifting contracts to help us make more conscious choices and become more loving to ourselves.

Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this blog, please subscribe, share this post, and leave a comment!

Are worries about your future stopping you from making a Major Life Change? Watch out - it's a trap!

Admiral Ackbar saying It's a Trap

One of the more seductive traps I’ve fallen into during my Transition ensnared my thoughts firmly in a frightening future while I pushed away Change with all my force.

Waiting in limbo for a serious medical diagnosis, I fell into a black hole of fear that seemed to have no floor.

I have to give kudos to the infinite creativity of my mind, which was hard at work coming up with worst case scenarios for my future health (I’m well-practiced after all: some families play Monopoly, mine likes to catastrophise for fun). When my diagnostic imagination hit a wall, internet searches helped expand the scope of possibilities for my demise. And then I tried google image search…

After a few hours of frantic research and rumination, I started to see a future for myself devoid of pleasure, suffering alone in pain, dying prematurely. I felt unsafe, pessimistic, depressed.

And yet – absolutely nothing externally had changed: I had no new information or warnings about my health. What was going on?!

I had prematurely started a grieving process.

Anxiety and fear can be a form of grief

We commonly associate grief with death; but we can actually feel grief for many things: the loss of a job, relationship, health, status, ability, even a dream...

And like the anecdote I shared above, we can even feel grief for something that hasn't happened yet - and may never happen.

Our tendency to ruminate over potential future losses is called anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory grief is a self-protective mechanism. It helps us retain the illusion of control when we're feeling destabilised. It allows us to plan in advance for all sorts of complex and challenging scenarios.

But it's a trap.

It's not really helpful. We waste days or even years worrying and bemoaning the problematic future that awaits us: a future that never materialises.

It's also counter-productive. A focus on worst case scenarios leads us to feel angry, frightened and overwhelmed. We become hyper-vigilant. We might even start to withdraw socially. This negative spiral makes the likelihood of an unwanted outcome more likely (and the kicker is that it might not even be one of the misfortunes that we’ve planned for!)

The more we fall into the sinkhole of anticipatory grief, the more we fear the future, and the less likely it is that we'll commit to making the life changes necessary to complete our Transition. We get stuck.

Enter our Loss Aversion Bias

Our brilliant minds are subject to cognitive biases that help us to make sense of the world, but which mislead us too.

Once we fall into an anticipatory grief process, our Loss Aversion bias kicks in.

Loss aversion leads us to profoundly feel and fear loss: to such an extent that we perceive a real or potential loss to be worse than an equivalent gain. For example, we think the pain of losing $100 will be worse than the delight at gaining $100. In other words, we overestimate the downsides and underestimate the upsides.

This cognitive bias exists to protect us from harm, but in the context of Transitions, it also discourages us from committing to making a Change. No matter how irrational our imagined losses might be, we're still afraid they'll inevitably happen and It Will Be The Worst.

Meanwhile, we dismiss the potential upsides of making the Change, however likely or beneficial a positive outcome would be.

Anticipatory Grief and Loss Aversion lead to situations like these:

• We hate our job, but resist quitting because we fear losing our careers and financial stability. Although in reality, we'll likely end up finding a more fulfilling role.

• We're unhappy in our relationship, but delay leaving because we fear losing companionship, security, and love. Although chances are good that we'll likely meet a partner with whom we're happier.

• We're diagnosed with an illness or injury, but put off following the doctor's advice because we fear losing our freedom and happiness by modifying our lifestyle. Although the truth is we'll likely end up physically and emotionally healthier by choosing to heal.

It's our human nature to avoid the pain of change, despite the benefits. Unfortunately, that inclination doesn't help us when we're in a Transition, and change is a compulsory part of the process.

Getting out of the trap

In the midst of making a Big Life Change, try to avoid the traps of Anticipatory Grief and Loss Aversion.

The first and most important step is awareness. Are you going down a rabbit hole of worst case scenario planning? Are you finding yourself disproportionately focused on what you might lose by making the change?

If so, write down your fears and anxieties. All of them, include the most fantastical concoctions. You can pride yourself on your creativity. Note which of them are real, verified and actual: versus those that are hypothetical or unproven, no matter how seemingly probable. It might help for someone less biased to look over your assessment.

Second, change your focus. We have a choice to adopt a different perspective. What are the potential upsides of making the change? With the same imaginative skill as you applied to catastrophising, what would a 'best case scenario' look like? How would you feel if that happened? Redirecting our focus toward positive possibilities is empowering.

If you're stuck in a negative thought-loop, try and distract yourself. Force your mind to focus on something else. Read a book. Watch a comedy. Play a game. Work out.

Third, let go of control: detach from all these potential outcomes. As much as we'd like to believe we can predict the future, life is full of surprises. Even the psychics get it wrong. We're incapable of envisioning all the possible ways our lives could be headed, though most of us could get an A+ for effort.

Fourth, try to remain present. Keep your focus on what's happening right here and now, as tempting as it is to jump straight into future forecasting.

Our cognitive genius

Taking a step back, one has to admire human brilliance. We have an extraordinary resourcefulness in preventing ourselves from completing major life transitions. Our traps are so cleverly set that we fall into them, repeatedly. We are amazing!

So be gentle with yourself if you get caught up in Anticipatory Grief, or get put off by Loss Aversion.

As Admiral Ackbar warned us, “It’s a trap!” – and now you know these traps are there, try not to fall into them.

“…if it was of these ornaments that the other was enamoured, he finds that he is pressing to his heart nothing but an empty dress - nothing but a memory - nothing but grief and despair. Ah! with what virtues, with what perfections I had adorned her!” - Andre Gide, The Counterfeiters

If you enjoyed this blog, please share it!