Tokyo supermarkets are famous for their displays of flawless fruits in fancy boxes, which they exhibit like diamond rings in a jewelry store (with price tags to match!)
These impeccable aesthetics may have led to a line of luxury cherries, but they also have a cost. Food waste aside, there’s an expectation to consistently reach a standard of above-excellence.
The pressure to achieve perfection is not limited to Japanese fruit farmers; it’s a universal sentiment, exacerbated by social media and a culture that demands us to be more than ordinary. Beyond the veneer, not only does perfectionism lead to wasted potential (and fruit), but also to chronic disappointment, ill-health and a fear of leaving our comfort zones.
The desire to be perfect is a trap.
In a beautifully ironic example of imperfectly executed wisdom, the Japanese are also responsible for the antidote to perfectionism: wabi sabi.
Wabi Sabi
The principle of wabi sabi accepts that perfection does not exist in nature and therefore isn’t possible for humans (or fruits) either. It views imperfection as beautiful and pleasurable. In a wabi sabi world, there are no mistakes. Nothing is perfect; nothing is finished; and nothing lasts forever.
For those of us used to holding ourselves and others to a high standard, accepting imperfection can be challenging for several reasons.
Self-Acceptance vs Self-Improvement
There's a tension between striving toward being the best version of ourselves, which is healthy, and demanding an excellence bordering the impossible, which is not. Self-help books, for example, can teach us that we have to follow the author's specific formula in order to attain excellence in living. They can make us feel stressed instead of good (which is a great marketing tactic for selling more self-help books!)
Accepting ourselves as we are is also important for inner peace, self-love and rest. But of course, without pushing ourselves to aspire to more, we can stagnate. It's like hiking up a mountain: when we're trying to reach the summit, we need to try hard, but it doesn't make sense to maintain that level of effort in all other situations. Otherwise we will end up fatigued, demotivated, disappointed and resentful of ourselves and others. We need to find our own balance.
Expecting Too Little vs Too Much of Others
Those of us who hold ourselves to a standard of perfection often expect the same for others. We see people's potential and so badly want them to realise it; but when they fail to live up to the high bar we set for them, we are quick to call out their shortcomings and errors. We might think: "If I were you, I'd have done it like this; so you should too." We can become critical, resentful, and disappointed and as a result end up distancing ourselves from our loved ones and colleagues.
A wabi sabi approach to our relationships is to set aside all expectations. It's to recognise that nobody thinks or behaves the same: we're all on different journeys, in different places, and moving at different paces. Instead, we can see people's behaviours and actions as the characteristics that make them unique, and to love them for their individuality.
Melancholy vs Positive Psychology
We might feel a societal pressure toward emotional perfectionism. Particularly with the popularity of positive psychology, there can be a push to be happy all the time. Any lower emotional state is less desirable. But wabi sabi actually embraces melancholy. It views sadness as a path to self-knowledge: acting as a mirror that helps us explore the depths of our soul in a way inaccessible in a place of joy. Wabi sabi recognises that undergoing pain increases our empathy to others, especially those who are suffering. It also makes us more artistic: with hardship comes heightened sensitivity, which spurs creativity.
One of the beautiful aspects of melancholy is that it contains both joy and sadness at the same time. Illnesses, tragedies and pain may diminish our strength but they also enlighten us with a greater appreciation of life. They enable us to celebrate with more passion. As Rumi said, "A wound is the entrance by which light penetrates you."
Transience vs Desire
The aspiration for perfection in our lives may lead us to wish that our favourite feelings and experiences will go on forever. We can easily become attached to that which brings us happiness, whether relationships, objects, activities or places. After all, when we find something we like, it's human nature to want more of it! But wishing that which is transitory to be permanent is a quick recipe for disappointment and suffering. That brand new car will get scratched, our friendships will change, and our bodies will age. Events in our lives that we may not like - pain, tragedy, death - remind us that all of life is transitory.
Instead of wishing for permanence, a wabi sabi approach is to be like water in a stream: to flow and to accept that the world around us is also flowing. Life is constantly changing and so are we. We will never experience the same moment again, nor will we be exactly the same. Whether we're in the midst of elation or depression, life moves on and so do we.
(Im)perfect Freedom
Setting aside the expectation of perfection can be liberating, releasing a tremendous amount of pressure. It means we no longer need to fear life's mishaps.
But it's not easy. It means casting aside our assumptions, shedding our pretenses and letting go of attachments. It means stepping into the unknown and embracing that there is no one way to 'do' life.
Relax: it can't be done perfectly.
Reflection
How can you apply wabi sabi principles to your daily life?
If you welcome your own imperfections, those of others, and those found in nature - what might change in your thoughts, actions, feelings and relationships?
Meditation
Become more aware of your aspirations for perfection. When you observe these tendencies, try to balance self-acceptance with self-improvement; let go of expectations of yourself and others; embrace melancholy; and accept transience.
Further Reading
Wabi Sabi: The Wisdom in Imperfection (Nobuo Suzuki)
NB: This blog will now be published monthly
I would love to hear your reflections, thoughts and questions!
Please share them with me.
FAQ: What are Major Life Transitions? How are they different than Changes? Transitions are not Changes. Transitions are psychological. Change is contextual. Major Life Transitions involve a period of being in-between identities, a dark void without clarity, a state of stillness within motion. They bring us into the liminal space: the boundary between what was, and what is to come.
We know we're in a Transition when we undergo a deep, raw, often excoriating process of losing our sense of self. We question our identities. Transitions include multiple changes - to our health, career, relationships, finances, geographies, etc - but they're not synonymous with Change.
Although caterpillars can grow up to 100 times their size, move locations, and even change colours, those are still changes. But when caterpillars enter into the pupa and turn into butterflies, they’re in a Transition: a complete metamorphoses of identity.
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