Do your gifts come with a catch?
You know the saying, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch”? Well, it’s true!
Giving isn’t always as selfless as we think. In fact, it can be a subtle way of exerting influence over others.
The act of giving, whether consciously or unconsciously, often involves an element of control. It can establish a power dynamic where the giver expects something in return, be it gratitude in the form of a ‘thank you’, recognition, affection, attention, compliance… or maybe even one of those delicious homemade cookies they’re always bragging about (hint hint).
In that situation, there’s an unwritten code that says, “You received a gift, and now you owe me something.” That can lead to a never-ending cycle of giving and taking.
Personal Gifts
When we give someone a gift, we’re actually entering into an unspoken social contract.
For example, if someone buys us a drink at a bar, there may be a felt obligation to engage in conversation and spend time with them. When someone helps us with a task, we often feel compelled to reciprocate. Even receiving a family heirloom from an ancestor we’ve never met carries an unwritten expectation to make space for the item in our home and to honour its sentimental value (even if we feel indifferent).
And if recipients don’t hold up their end of the deal by returning the favour or expressing gratitude? Well, we might think twice before giving them something again. Consider the scenarios where we give without receiving anything in return: sending birthday greetings to a friend who never reciprocates, running errands for someone who fails to acknowledge the gesture, offering compliments that go unreturned — all of these situations can leave us feeling a sense of unmet expectation and disappointment.
Gifts with Strings Attached
Coercive giving occurs when we attach conditions or expectations to our gifts that limit the recipient’s autonomy: their freedom or ability to choose. In these cases we disregard the actual needs or desires of the gift-receiver, but still expect gratitude.
For example: To a person begging on the streets: “You asked for money? Here, have this sandwich instead.” To a child: “I’ll pay for your schooling if you study science, not music.” To a family: “I’ll fund your healthcare as long as you modify your religious beliefs.”
In these instances we can see how the giving manipulates the recipient’s choices and creates a codependency, which is contrary to the spirit of genuine giving.
Et Tu, Philanthropists
Donations are generally made with the best of intentions (and positive outcomes), but it’s important to recognise any agendas behind them. Many donors and philanthropic foundations want to influence policy, get their names mentioned publicly, or simply receive tax breaks.
Even when gifts are given anonymously, there might still be underlying expectations, such as advancing a specific cause or feeling a sense of self-congratulatory worthiness: “How wonderful a person am I, to give a gift like this without even letting someone know that I’m responsible!”
Is there any way to “win” here!?
The Exception: Accidental Giving
The philosopher Derrida proposed that accidental giving is the only form that does not demand anything in return. This occurs when the giver remains unaware of their act of giving, and the receiver does not know who the giver is. Like when someone unknowingly drops money, and another person finds it, there is no sense of obligation or expectation involved (hopefully we can all relate to the unburdened delight of finding money on the ground!). Derrida’s proposition highlights the inherent complexities within the act of giving.
Conscious Gift-Giving
Before you despair, you can navigate this tricky gift-giving terrain by acting with intentionality.
Be aware of your underlying motivations. Acknowledge that giving is a form of taking.
What do you hope to gain from giving? Maybe it’s a feeling of contribution, being needed, or validation. Perhaps you’d like a future favour or a chance to spend more time with a friend. Or maybe you’re trying to control their choices and decisions, even if it’s in service of (what you see as) their own best interests.
Once you know your own expectations and desires, try to detach from them. Doing so will reduce the risk of subconscious power plays or coercive behaviours, and help you better appreciate the inherent pleasure that comes from giving.
Conscious Gift-Receiving
When someone offers you a gift, be aware that by receiving it, you’re entering into a social contract with them. You might want to have an old-fashioned chat to clarify their expectations and avoid misunderstandings before you accept. If you have more information about the giver’s motivations, it’s easier to choose how you’d like to respond. It’s important to find a balance between respecting the giver’s sentiments and taking care of your own needs.
Unwrapping Expectations
My intention in writing this blog is not to stop you from giving or receiving gifts — to the contrary, gifts are a beautiful expression of kindness and generosity. So keep on giving, including to yours truly (wink, wink).
But do it with your eyes wide open, with intentionality and awareness. Be aware of the hidden expectations and power dynamics that might be at play. Giving should be a joyous act, but it’s important to detach from expectations of specific outcomes. Let’s all strive for a world where gifts don’t come with hidden strings but are expressions of genuine care and love.
Additional Reflection
Internal Gifts — What are the subconscious contracts we have with ourselves?
We can apply the dynamics of giving and receiving in our interactions with ourselves too.
What are the unspoken expectations we have when we make a gift to ourselves?
For example: perhaps we expect to have a career or life epiphany at the end of gifting ourselves a three month sabbatical from work; we anticipate feeling happiness after treating ourselves to a fancy vacation; we believe we’ll see a certain tangible result after a fixed period of prioritising sleep, exercise and nutrition. If we don’t receive the outcome we’d hoped for, we can feel disappointed and self-judgmental. That can take away from the joy of our generous self-gift.
The tricky part is that our self-expectations are often hidden or unrealistic. So like when we give to others, it’s critical to gain awareness of our internal self-gifting contracts to help us make more conscious choices and become more loving to ourselves.
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